She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
