Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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