Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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