our cab driver is having phone sex.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
