Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
