He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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