If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
