I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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