The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
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