if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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