my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
