I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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