The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
vagina is talking i cant
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
