I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
