So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
