You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
