I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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