Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
someone owes me an orgasm
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
