Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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