Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
