i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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