i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
