You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
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