Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
