There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
