so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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