Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
