Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
