I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
