Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
should my penis look like a turkey
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
