There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
