Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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