When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
