I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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