Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(703): View more from Virginia

Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."

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(587): View more from Alberta

Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck

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(563): View more from Iowa

What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things

(1-443): View more from Maryland

Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car

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