you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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