I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
