I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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