I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
