im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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