So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
