why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
