hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
