i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
