ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
