Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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