I should be sponsored by Trojan
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
