Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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