I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
