I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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